Hey! Announcement! My wife and I are moving with our son to Charlotte, NC. Yeehaw. I love mountains, I love milder weather, and I am told we are going to love Charlotte. I’m excited. If you’re in NC, reach out and say hey. Sean@iampodcast,com. Okay so… to today’s episode.
Have you ever asked yourself why it hurts so much when a relationship ends? Whether you’ve experienced the pain yourself, or you’ve been that shoulder to cry on… I’m sure you understand exactly what I’m talking about regarding the emotional fallout caused by a longer term romance… burning to the ground. And for some people, they even experience emotional turmoil for short term relationships… sometimes where the pain lasts longer than the relationships did in the first place. What’s up with all that pain? Why… exactly… does it suck when relationships end? Well, today, we learn… exactly… what causes our pain, and how we might never have to experience the pain of a break-up ever again… without having to give up break-ups. Because who wants to be stuck with a loser forever? GO!
Okay… so… if you’ve ever spilled tears, or if you are spilling them even now over the conclusion of a relationship, and you want to figure out how to get past that… you’re in luck… because I am about to show you exactly why that happens.
We’re working in the Body Mind Spirit model, which is explained at IAMSpirituality.com in the Body Mind Spirit 101 Series. In that basics series, we learned how all human emotions are generated by the emotional influence system… which means all the emotional fallout caused by a relationship break-up… are also caused by that SAME emotional influence system.
Now… the four components of the emotional influence system are… the Equation of Emotion, explained in episode 4… the Ego, episode 5… the Relative Valuation System of the Ego of episode 7… and Attachment of the Mind, explained in episode 8. You really should go watch those episodes, because these four components explain every emotion you’ll ever experience.
And so how does our little model explain the pain of a break-up? Elementary, my dear Watson. First, let’s look at what happens in our minds when a relationship forms.
Okay, so you meet someone. Initially, there might be an initial physical attraction that influences you. But then you start to get to know this person a little better, and beyond aligning with your body’s agreement, their presence , their ideas, and their conversation start to align with your mind’s preference as well. And this is where what we call “love” happens. Now… we explain this much better in episode 21, by the way, and explain why this is actually a FALSE love… but we’re zipping through to talk about the break-up, and this FALSE CONDITIONAL LOVE is what over 99% of marriages are based on,… so as to get to the break up… after you decide you would like this person to be a more extended part of your life… you kick the relationship into gear.
And the relationship process is where we start laying the groundwork for the agony later. Because what happens in our unconscious unawakened minds is when we start a relationship with someone… they start to become part of our mind’s understanding of our existence… otherwise known as our EGO.
Attachments are made in our minds regarding this augmentation to our life. I am Nancy or Bill now gets augmented with “I am so and so’s boyfriend or girlfriend (or so and so’s husband or wife if you’re talking marriage)”. Along with that… come all the mindful attachments to the ideas of what being a boyfriend or girlfriend means (TITLE: B.F. / G.F.). And the attachments to the ideas that someone being able to love you makes you more of a person (Love = Ego+). And the attachments of how life IS… with that person… after work… how life is on the weekends… how it is on vacation (Life Moments)… how life is in your interactions and discussions with your friends that are connected with your relationship status with your significant other (Social Interaction). How differently mom and dad think of you now impacts your ego.
So all those ideas and more… a ton of stuff… gets piled into your ego… your understanding of your very existence… that are all connected with the relationship with your Beau or Beau Peep.
So now… the relationship ends… for whatever reason. And you start to feel the pain. Here’s why:
Sadness… is defined as the emotion that occurs when the Ego… is forced to devalue it’s own existence. Now… that sounds kinda technical, so let’s explain the scientific process first, and then I’ll explain it in everyday terms.
The scientific process is that your significant other became a part of your Ego… your mindful understanding of your existence… your laundry list of things you would write down when explaining your life. And so when that person’s existence is removed from your world, that is a violent removal of something that was solidly planted within the walls of the ego. And because the Ego… is now less than it was a minute ago… from a mindful process perspective, that comes through as an egoic devaluation. Your ego has less stuff in it than it did a minute ago. SOME stuff that you preferred to have in there. And so this devaluation… gets fed into the equation of emotion, and because it was sourced from the ego itself, THAT is what creates sadness. WHY? Because if you go back to episode 12, we know that sadness occurs in all humans from Pershing Iowa to Beijing China… any time an egoic devaluation comes through sourced from the Ego itself. When the ego is forced to admit a devaluation… sadness is the result… 100% of the time.
And so in our break-up situation… losing your mate is only where the sadness STARTS. Because with every little thing that you attached to regarding that relationship… having the title of boyfriend / girlfriend / husband / wife… and what that means to you… the fact that you WERE loved… and now maybe you perceive that you aren’t… and what THAT means in your mind… all the good moments you shared as part of the relationship that aren’t going to happen anymore… the social status amongst your friends and family that you are now losing… the relationships you had with their family that are now being removed from your definition of your world… EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS now becomes an egoic devaluation that your ego is forced to accept… that gets processed through the equation of emotion… and becomes another instance of pain and loss that you have to deal with.
And yeah, it can be a mixed bag. You can miss the good times and the quiet walks holding hands, and definitely not miss the fighting part. But anything that gets removed from your ego regarding that relationship that your ego is forced to accept as reality… causes an instance of sadness. Period. The more attached you are to those things, the deeper the sadness is… the lesser you are attached the more it moves toward being a mild disappointment. And so that’s why break-ups hurt, and that’s why different aspects of the break-up hurt to varying degrees. Because many MANY things regarding that relationship… become a part of your Ego, and when you lose the relationship, you lose all those things from your ego.
Now… a couple items of note, just to be thorough. If you were dating a total a-hole and you’re happy about the break-up, it’s because you now see your ego as improved because you jettisoned the garbage, which explains any happiness you may experience… it’s an ego valuation increase.
In addition, if you get angry along with the sadness because you were dumped or cheated on or whatever… THAT is explained in episode 11… by your significant other ALSO being identified an entity external to the walls of your ego… as well as being inside… and Anger of course is where something outside the walls of the ego attacks the valuation of something INSIDE the walls of the ego… i.e. he/she cheated on me, which says I’m not attractive enough for him/her… or he/she dumped me… which says I’m not worthy of being loved… Something outside the ego attacking the ego itself… boom… anger.
And why do we have complex emotions? Because every little instance of an expectation or preference as compared to reality in the Equation of Emotion causes an instance of an emotion that gets all piled together as part of the situation.
And so… we have now just explained why break-ups hurt or… why they don’t… when they happen. So what’s the solution to getting over the pain of a relationship ending?
The pain of any relationship ending is directly dependent on your ego… and what the ego loses… but here’s the secret about the ego. Your ego isn’t the real you. The real you is something much deeper… much more profound… much more pure…
Your ego… is a lie that your mind tells you. And when you discover the awesome spiritual self within you that exists under the illusion of your mind… that’s when the pain and suffering of stupid shit like a relationship ending… goes away… for good. When you realize and find the deeper truth within you that is your true divine self… things can pass in and out of your life without causing you the pain of loss… and at that point… you can only feel and share the love of existence for it all.
There IS a path of transformation where you CAN become a person who never experiences sadness over a relationship ever again. It’s connected with doing some meditation… it’s connected with getting your body and mind into alignment with Spirit… and discovering the awesome truth that exists within you. And you can discover some of these answers from within you… so that you know they aren’t bullshit… no faith required… you will know it beyond any doubt… by starting the awakening process at IAMSpirituality.com. Check out the first 0025 episodes of the podcast. We’re ever expanding… and we’re going to start some online guided meditations soon (for FREE). So don’t miss that!
Don’t forget to check in at audibletrial.com/IAMSpirituality for your free audio book with their 14 day risk-free trial where you can download what I’m listening to this week… The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz. Narrated by Peter Coyote of Law & Order LA… awesome voice. Check it out for free at AudibleTrial.com/IAMSpirituality.
Other than that… have a wonderful week. Next week we’ll talk about stopping the break-ups all together in our review of… relationship issues. In the meantime… know that I love you… and want peace to spring within you. It’s why I’m here… in front of you. Please share this with someone you love who has not yet gotten over their divorce or break-up. Let’s give them… peace. See ya next week.
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