So you have some relationship issues? Really? No kidding! Yeah, it’s a common challenge. I don’t know of many relationships that are truly perfect. But you don’t have to let relationship issues become so severe that they inhibit the enjoyment of your life. Today we discuss THAT. Green light means… Go!
The divorce rate is astronomically high… and that’s just the number of relationships that end AFTER actually getting to a point where two people agree that they want to get married. So just imagine how many relationships end badly WITHOUT the ring. So there are obviously tons of relationship issues going on out there…? And even in a so called “good”…. relationship there can be issues that… don’t quite lead to its demise… but that still make that relationship less than utopian. And today’s… we’re talking about THAT. Crap that makes your relationships suck sometimes.
Okay… so believe it or not… all relationship issues that have EVER existed in the history of the planet… and ALL relationship issues that will ever come into existence… ALL the relationship issues that you are experiencing today… be them with a significant other… or with a member of your family or friends… ALL relationship issues EVERYWHERE… boil down to ONE cause. And that cause is… the difference in mindful understanding of self between one person’s mind… and the mindful understanding of self in the other person’s mind. [@] [Ego vs. Ego]
The differences in ideas of your life that you have put in your respective heads.
Now… to explain that a little better… [@] I gathered Top 10 list of Relationship Killers from some of the top psychology resources, so we can tell you what they are… and show you how they all come from the same place. [@] So we’re not only going to learn what what the Top 10 relationship issues are… but we’re gonna see why they occur… and how to deal with them moving forward. And by the way, we’re working from the Body Mind Spirit model, which can be downloaded for free at I AM Spirituality.com.
Top 10 relationship killer #1: PARTNER NEGLECT
This kind of stuff includes one partner ignoring the other partner, alcoholism, drugs, gambling or other addictions, workaholism, or just plain disinterest. Now… we discussed in episode 21 how most relationships are based on mostly a false love… sorry to deliver the bad news there… but you can save the situation through spiritual discovery… but when relationships start… they start because one person’s presence, ideas, and interactions agree the other person’s mindful preference of how they want to see their life (and vice versa… it’s reciprocal). But if one partner then becomes all caught up in their own mess… and their own needs… be them addictions… or preferences to attain goals at work… or football season… or parenting the kids… or whatever is important to them… that does two things in a relationship:
1) It ignores a partner’s needs, leaving that partner to fulfill those needs themself… and 2) it tells that partner that they… and their needs… are not as important as the neglecting partners needs are. The neglected partner sees themself as playing second fiddle to whatever is getting all the attention. Which in effect is an ego devaluation. So that creates either anger, or sadness, or both, depending on whether the neglected partner allows the devaluation to slip into their definition of self… their ego.
So in short… the ego is the culprit in any neglect situation. In the neglecter… the attachment to whatever is stealing the attention comes from the needs of the ego. And in the neglectED… the ego devaluation causes the negative emotional fall-out.
Top 10 relationship killer #2: DEPRIVING OF THE PARTNER OF LOVE
It’s silly that the world of psychology identifies this as a separate issue, as that it is the same issue as #1 neglect. When one partner isn’t sharing emotionally, I call that neglecting the relationship. This just goes to show you hoe clueless the world of psychology currently is. But again… the culprit here is… the ego. If one partner is so wrapped up in their own mind that they aren’t there emotionally for the other partner, the one ego causes problems for both egos.
Top 10 relationship killer #3: DISHONESTY AND BETRAYAL
Cheating and lying betrays the trust required to have any healthy relationship. Cheating in one partner is caused by the ego’s need to be ingratiated in the cheating partner. I am sexy enough to convince this person to sleep with me. I am interesting enough for this person to want to start a relationship with me. It’s a weakness. Cheating is a psychological instability caused by egoic insecurity, and in some cases an inability to control bodily urges through rational and compassionate thought.
Similarly, lying is a mechanism to either avoid an egoic devaluation… to hide something you’re ashamed of… or a mechanism to falsely bolster egoic valuation… to pretend to be more than you are. So lying… is also a weakness. Either way… the destructive effects of lying and cheating in a relationship are caused by ego in the weakest partner. You are the weakest link. Good-bye.
Top 10 relationship killer #4: PARTNER ABUSE
Abuse can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and just downright being mean. And all these are caused by sicknesses and weaknesses of the ego. At any point that any partner in a relationship is trying to devalue the egoic existence of the other partner… by putting them down emotionally… by controlling them sexually or physically (the body is part of the mind’s definition of self… the ego)… by beating on their partner, thereby demeaning their existence… THOSE ACTIONS… are all attempts to increase the relative valuation of their own ego by devaluing the existence of their partner’s ego. I am powerful. I am in control here. It’s a weakness… and an insecurity.
We all know someone who doesn’t have a nice word to say about anyone or anything. Well, that’s a sickness of their ego that if they put everything down… they are somehow more of a person. But it’s not true. People who beat other people down physically, emotionally, mentally, are weak pathetic egos looking for validation that won’t really help them because they are so insecure. And btw, if you know someone who has a problem with me saying they’re weak when they’re beating on people… you can send them to me for a first class ass-whoopin’. (Wink) I’m kidding, but before I was enlightened, I did beat the shit out of a guy who was beating his girlfriend in his car, so I can be coaxed into action from time to time.
Top 10 relationship killer #5: SCAPEGOATING
Scapegoating is where one partner takes their anger or frustration of a situation out on their partner. So what causes the anger and frustration in the first place? Well, as plainly explained in Episode 11, the ego and the level of attachment cause 100% of all anger family emotions, from mild frustration to rage. So if one partner is experiencing those emotions, they are caused by the ego… and the act of taking those emotions out on someone else is the act of trying to increase the valuation of their ego by doing something that makes them feel more powerful.
Top 10 relationship killer #6: NEGATIVISM
Just being negative all the time. And just like we discussed in relationship killer #4, all chronic negativism is caused by an egoic need to demean the positions of others so as to feel egoically superior. Thus it’s an egoic weakness and an ego caused situation. Pessimists die earlier. The gene pool will be clean of them shortly.
Top 10 relationship killer #7: GOSSIPING
This comes through as you or your partner telling family or friends about relationship problems without talking to each other about them. Reaching out to others for solace when things aren’t going how you would prefer them to go… is simply a way of trying to get your ego validated without the risk of dealing with the issue with your partner, which could lead to some pain before it gets better.
This is a weak move also. If someone is reaching out to get validation that their position is right… or that they ARE indeed worthy of love… or that their partner is in the wrong and needs to do this or that… THAT act of that partner fulfilling their own needs versus addressing the situation head on… is as selfish as any other relationship neglect situation.
When you ONLY reach out for comfort (and I’m not saying when you reach out for comfort and connection with someone- because a lot of people do that, and getting a sounding board for addressing relationship issues can be a good idea)… but when you ONLY reach out for comfort without the intention of addressing the underlying issue with your partner… you are being as selfish as any workaholic, or alcoholic, or emotionally absent partner… because you are addressing your needs only. Sorry to be the messenger on that one.
Top 10 relationship killer #8: ONE PARTNER PUTTING THEMSELF FIRST, OR ONE PARTNER PUTTING THEMSELF LAST
One partner putting themself first was explained in relationship killers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and now 8. It’s an ego valuation related sickness. A partner putting themself LAST, is an interesting twist, but it’s still an egoic valuation related sickness. Now instead of me being most important… now… I’m not important enough to assert my existence at any time in the relationship. Whatever you want is fine, honey. But that can backfire into a resentment that the relenting partner does not have any backbone, and also a build-up of frustration and resentment in the relenting partner that the ego is constantly being devalued… even if by themself.
Top 10 relationship killer #9: ONE PARTNER TRYING TO CHANGE THE OTHER
This comes right out of the preference to see life differently playbook. One partner attaches to an idea of how they see their relationship should be… or how they see that their partner should be… and they try to mold the other person into that idea. You should buy me flowers more often. You should give me more blow jobs when I’m watching football. Whatever it is… you should do this… or we should be doing that… is an attachment to an idea of how you think things should be.
Now… ideas on how to improve the quality of your life… awesome! Go for it! Change is great. But expecting your partner to be a different person? Not the right way to go. You need to decide what life you want… then find someone… or no one… who fits with that intention. Or… if you mostly like who you’re with, make the best life you can with what you’ve got to work with. Otherwise, you’re just letting egoic attachments to ideas of what SHOULD be… undermine the relationship and cause turmoil.
Top 10 relationship killer #10: ARGUMENTS, FIGHTING, AND DISAGREEMENTS
We explained arguments and disagreements… thoroughly… in episodes 29 and 30… so go back if you need proof they are caused by egoic attachment… the differences in ideas that two people have of themselves in their minds.
When one person defines themself as something that is incompatible with their partner, it can be rough on that relationship, and understandably so. But make no mistake… it IS the mind’s definition of self… and the attachment and defense of those ideas… that causes all fights in any relationship.
Okay… so how do we get rid of all these trouble causing relationship issues? Let’s talk about that, honey.
You do not have to be a rocket scientist to understand that taking the one common cause out of the equation regarding all relationship issues, can help solve ALL relationship issues you could ever have.
I mean… removing the ego from your mind’s existence is the end-all-be-all solution. No relationship issues. No negative emotions.. EVER AGAIN. The only problem is… removing the influence of ego is WAY easier said than done… and that’s why only a minority of spiritual masters have done it. But with today’s communication technologies… we’re gonna teach you how to do it also.
There are tons of enlightened people in Tibet and India. Why? They were close to the good teachers. But now with the Internet… YOU can be close to a good teacher in your living room. Now… make no mistake… it takes a personal spiritual awakening within you to create any change that will last regarding your own inner peace. Not me nor anyone else on this planet… can do this for you… because YOU can’t even do it with your mind. It takes a full-on spiritually-sourced holy-crap-I’m-one-with-everything-in-the-universe experience to make a shift in your ego.
You cannot reason yourself into enlightenment. You can’t just read some books or watch some podcasts and one day “get it”. Oh I get it now. No there is no book in the entire universe that can do that for you. It HAS to be internally sourced. It takes a mystical experience sourced from within to be able to put your ego in check by replacing it… with an understanding of who and what you ACTUALLY are… that you discover through meditation… or yoga… or fasting… or contemplative prayer… or one of the many global disciplines designed to lead you to your inner discovery. It’s all about the ancient secret KNOW THYSELF. Meaning… discover the real you that allows you to understand that your fake you… your mindful definition of you… is a big lie. Because it’s the lie that causes all your pain and suffering, as proven scientifically by the BMS model. God put your true self in there for you to find. If you’re not looking it’s your fault. Free will, baby.
And so… when you discover the truth about your existence… that you aren’t your ego… that you are the spiritual experience that you have that then replaces your ego… you remove most every expectation or preference that could ever influence every relationship you could ever have. You replace the need to argue and defend your false self with the knowledge and contentment that you are not that existence anymore.
In the spiritual space, you’ve got nothing but love to give. Nothing but acceptance of what is to process. Nothing but compassion for yourself and for all other people around you.
So I guess what I’m telling you here, is that spirituality and the discovery of your inner spiritual true self… is the solution to any relationship issue you could ever face. Because if you don’t identify the problem in the first place, and can come from a place where you understand how to resolve mindful problems in your mate… you have no issues. Period.
So go meditate. And subscribe for updates at IAMSpirituality.com where we’re gonna be announcing a couple seminars, some free GUIDED meditation, and some other cool stuff that’s coming that I will not be mentioning on the podcast.
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Drop by iTunes and leave us a review, share this podcast with people you care about who want to understand the ancient secrets of spirituality, and don’t forget to vote for us for the 2011 Podcast Awards so that other people can become aware we exist. You can find the link on IAMSpirituality.com. See you next week. Peace.
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