Peacefully Dealing With a Miscarriage

Okay, so… when you purport to be able to help people attain a higher level of inner peace, I believe that there are times you need to put up or shut up regarding examples from your own life, and how you react to common yet potentially challenging life situations with presence and peace.

So with that, I would like to share with you a portion of my personal life situation from this week.


First, I would like to share with you that I have a son. He is a wonderful little boy, and brings nothing but joy to everyone who interacts with him. My wife and I are blessed to have him as a member of our family.

Until today, he was scheduled to be an older brother to another baby on the way, who was until very recently, growing in my wife’s womb. We had not expected our son, but after we broke the seal of parenthood, we figured, “why not have another one?” And so, a few months ago, after actually planning and scheduling for another, we discovered that our efforts had indeed generated the result that my wife was workin’ on building another baby in her belly.

And so today, without any previous hint of anything being wrong with the pregnancy, we went in for our first ultrasound. It was at this appointment that we discovered our new baby was not going to make it to term, and in fact that my wife’s body had already started the process of delivering the miscarriage.

Now… I want to say this plainly:  I understand that many people have problems conceiving and carrying a baby to term. And I understand (intimately, yet without being affected by it) how that challenge can be emotionally turbulent for some who wish to be parents.   I have known numerous parents who have tried in vain for years to become pregnant, trying natural processes, trying homeopathic remedies, trying spiritual practices, finally employing costly medical procedures, even becoming impregnated, picking out names, the whole bit… only to lose the babies over and over and over again.  And let me make this clear:  I feel nothing but compassion for those people, and I do not wish to devalue their pain or struggle, or suggest that I think of them any less because they have that pain or struggle because of that life situation.  My wife and I are truly blessed to have such a wonderful little boy in our presence that was born of our love for each other, and for that we are truly grateful.

Now… that said, I wish to share with you how my wife and I reacted to this early termination of our second child’s life, and explain how this could have been more of a pain and struggle for us than it has been.  And again, I share this because… I think it’s one thing to try and preach a life of peace and acceptance to others, and be tormented within by the very things you preach separation from (many MANY spiritual teachers do this)… and quite another to live from a place of inner peace, where you then try to help others to that same existence.  This latter existence… is where my wife and I prefer to live.  And it’s where I come from when I wish to produce a podcast trying to help better explain spirituality and inner peace.

Some of you may not understand our reactions, but some of you will.  Regardless, our reactions are what they are. And they come from a place of lasting inner peace.

The fact is that when we discovered that we were not going to be parents again (at least this time), there were no tears from either of us. No sadness even entered the room. As we watched the ultrasound monitor as the ultrasound technician delivered the news of the probable prognosis (which officially needed to be delivered by a doctor, who later did so), there was only acceptance. There was no sadness, there was no regret, there was no guilt, there was no remorse that the child was not going to be with us, and from a personal perspective there was no inkling worry that this would be our last chance at a second child (even though it could be given the collective ages of my wife and I).  Now… I will not lie and tell you there was not a microburst of disappointment between the two of us, but I will also not lie and tell you that disappointment lasted anymore than a few seconds.

“But how could you not feel sad?” some of you might ask. “How can you not be disappointed for more than a second or two that your baby was not going to be born into this world?” you might continue.  “Do you not care for that baby? Did you not want to be parents a second time? Did you not love your new baby, even though it was still early in the gestation cycle?”

And pragmatically, the answers to those questions are yes, we care very deeply for that baby. Yes, we certainly want to be parents a second time, or would not be trying to be. Yes, we loved our new baby even before it was conceived, and certainly did so after it was conceived, even though it was still months from being born.  We’re not the “it’s just a clump of cells” type of people.  Quite the opposite, in fact. So how can we not be sad? How can we not feel more than just a flash of disappointment with the loss of this new life?

Well, if you have been listening to the podcast, it comes down to not being attached to realities that don’t exist yet. And it comes down to not taking it personally when our bodies fail to operate as easily as others’ bodies do.

See… the pain and suffering of a miscarriage (or a failure to be able to even become pregnant) is directly connected to the attachments the mind makes about the babies, about parenthood, and about what that change will mean for your life in general.  As we learned in episode 4, it takes an expectation or preference (EP) as compared to a reality as it’s perceived (RP) to create an emotional response.  ANY emotional response. If one or the other (EP or RP) do not exist, emotion does not exist.  So when any pair of hopeful parents makes an attachment within their minds that they want, or indeed need to have a child… when that starts not happening that non-result starts to generate negative emotions within those prospective parents’ minds.  Even more dramatically, when a woman actually becomes pregnant, the expectation of a potential child becomes more real for the parents, and especially the mother, who now has an additional life growing as part of her body (and don’t forget that her body is a substantial portion of her minds perception of self, which brings complications from episode 5, episode 7, and episode 8 into the mix).  So when a miscarriage occurs, there is a high potential for a feeling of sadness and loss because of 1) a difference in the expectation or preference for the baby’s life in comparison to the reality of the miscarriage, 2) a difference in the expectation or preference of parental status as compared to the reality of the miscarriage, and 3) the difference between the mother’s expectation or preference that her body have the capability of bringing that child to term (which then attacks her very perception of self when she sees that ‘she’ is not able to do that this time).

So with all the opportunities for what could be deemed as “natural” pain and suffering connected with this type of life situation, how do my wife and I slide right past the negative emotions into an immediate state of acceptance? How do we not feel the loss of losing the baby? How do we not feel more than a couple seconds of disappointment that we are not going to (at least now) have a second child, and add a younger sibling for our son?

Sure… some could theorize that it is because we have a child in our lives that we are able to more easily accept that we are not going to be parents this second time around, and that it’s because of him that we aren’t feeling pain to the same level of parents who can’t have kids feel when they lose a child in utero.  But simply stated… anyone who theorized that… would be wrong.  Our ability to move into acceptance in such a trying circumstance goes much deeper than being able to offset our losses by looking at whatever gains we’ve experienced.

Our ability to not experience the negative emotions typically experienced by parents in this situation has to do with an alignment of our egos with the divine spiritual existence within that transcends the mind.  It has absolutely nothing to do with what we have that is positive in our lives, and everything to do with what we don’t have that is negative.  And what we don’t have… are mindful attachments to ideas or expectations that things are going to become reality until the moment they become reality.  What we don’t have is a need for any outside influence that would help us to lead a more joyful existence than we already have simply by being.  We don’t have emotional holes to fill.  We don’t have psychological needs to satisfy.  We don’t have any fear.  We don’t have expectations that we are less than perfect… exactly as we are (exactly as God made us).  And yes, we also existed this way before our son, so his birth has been nothing but a blessing for us.  A positive piled on top of a bunch of other positives.

And how do my wife and I live this way?  Again, it is because our minds are aligned with Spirit.  Our minds are aligned with the experience of the spiritual existence within us that is rarely uncovered by most people (and for which helping people finding that experience is the reason for my podcast).  And this is the tricky part that people don’t understand and can’t grasp with their minds, because their minds have been running the show within them their entire lives, and they’ve never experienced Spirit.  It’s why Jesus made the extremely weighty statement, “of those of you who find themselves (their true self – the Spirit within), of them the world is not worthy.”  And how could a person for which the world was not worthy make such a statement that if you find yourself, the world is not worthy of you also?

See… most people don’t understand Spirit because they haven’t shut down their minds to discover it.  So when when my wife and I act from Spirit on something that is supposed to be traumatic, it is their egos that argue, “well, if they don’t feel anything after THAT happened, there’s something wrong with them.” And yet it’s their egos within them that generate their own negative emotion, their own pain and suffering within their lives, and that also causes their inability to understand how to bypass the negative emotions and move immediately into acceptance.  And it is only because they have not yet discovered the Spirit within them that their mind is left to run amok with the sickness that is the ego running the show.  It will only be after they discover the Spirit within them that the shift will occur where the mind falls into alignment with the love and acceptance of existence regardless of what variance of life situation is occurring at the moment.  It will only be after you discover the experience of your spiritual existence within you that will allow your mind to fall into alignment with Spirit, and allow you to slide right by negative emotion into acceptance of whatever it is that life is presenting you at the moment, so that you can deal with it with a clear mind and move past it and onto better things.  Immediately.  Including things like miscarriages.  And even more profound losses.

The fact is that my wife and I have a very deep feeling as a result of this miscarriage; it’s called gratitude.  It’s the same feeling we have for almost any life occurrence.  We’re thankful and grateful for every moment of every day that we get to exist on this spinning rock that is hurtling through the universe at suicidal speeds, and yet we’re allowed to feel the trickle of of a warm shower down our backs, the explosion of ripe strawberries on our tongues, the rejuvenating rays of the sunlight as it strikes our cheeks, and the enigmatic joy and love of a bear hug from a loved one.  Even one who is unborn.  And even if we’re experiencing whatever it is for the last time.

So… do we see my wife’s miscarriage as a negative?  No.  It simply is as it is.  We accept it… immediately… and move on.  Her body is a much better judge of what is supposed to happen and not supposed to happen regarding the building of a baby body regardless of whatever preference we have, so we’re gonna trust her body.  And if our son is the last child we ever have, we’ll trust that too.  As a result of our spiritual alignment, I don’t foresee that there will be any waiting period before we try getting pregnant again.  And in addition, we will carry forward no emotional baggage connected with this event.  We will hold no attachment to a baby that does not exist.  And finally we will feel no negative emotions as a result of any of it.

If you would like to join us in this spiritually blissful place, I invite you to keep watching the podcast.  I’m going to explain that path in detail.  As long as I take another breath and can pay for bandwidth.

 

God Bless.  Peace.

 

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22 Comments

  1. thank you – both – for sharing this deeply personal experience, so fully and lovingly. peace.

    Reply
  2. That the World would truly “get”
    so many of the things that you have shared – both here and prior.
    I am sorry for your loss, my Friend – and am excited beyond words for Life…

    Reply
  3. You two are up way too late (or early). Go to bed. 😉

    Reply
  4. My heart hurt at first (having had a miscarriage many years ago) and then as I read on, The Light and Beauty that is Spirit washed over me through you words of Enlightenment. I understand and yet honestly I am still learning. This touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing such a personal insightful experience. Namaste & Blessings to you both.

    Reply
  5. Dear Sean and Family, Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal experience with us. “The Me” is in awe of the acceptance and inner peace you express through this. Your example is an inspiration. I, too, have a lot to learn…. Sending Love and Blessings your way.

    Reply
  6. Sean et al – thank you for sharing this part of your Life with the World so that others may understand and learn. Light and Love to you and your blessed family. <3

    Reply
    • Thanks Caryn! I know this is a troubling topic for some… even some that have sent personal emails to me, so I thought it prudent to share it.

      Reply
  7. yes yes yes Sean
    love to your family and YES to your words !!
    It is so very exciting to me’ when I read words like these
    Our natural being is so beautiful ‘normal’ is flawed!
    I am impressed with the candid walk your talk concept!
    It makes me’ want to giggle (is that questionable ?) when I think of the frustration such honesty might bring up for some….including myself in the distant past I’m sure.

    Reply
    • Thanks Arna! I have met and seen many “spiritual teachers” who themselves struggle with emotional issues, and when I/we don’t struggle with what are “supposed” to be trying circumstances, it helps me to believe maybe I have something of value to share with people.

      Reply
      • definately
        we are GOOD guages for what we teach…as an educator over the years i have
        had to face up to some emotional clearing that has been both challenging and
        crazily amazingly enlightening!

        Reply
  8. Sean and Whit, thanks so much for your shining example! I’m so proud of both of you!

    Reply
  9. I just get it. Not have been educated thus far about the ego mind and all past Podcasts, Sean, I may have reacted differently as well. I guess I am learning, however, for that brief moment of sadness that you and your wife experienced, my condolences. For I understand that when these things happen, the soul was just quite not ready to be here at that moment in time. However, there is hope for another one to enter your life, which you already know. The Universe is a mystery, isn’t it? But a better understanding of it is what you are providing, and what a WORLD of difference it has made in my life thus far. Peace and Love to you Sean! ~ Gia

    Reply
    • Thanks Gia! It’s always a learning process. You never know what life is going to pitch, but regardless, you can always control how we react to it.

      Reply
  10. I so admire the ecomony of words of my Scottish friend’s expressions. Two that may apply here…..”What’s meant for you won’t go by you” and “Don’t let yesterday use up today”. These words ring in my ears when stuff doesn’t turn out like I’d like. I’m enjoying your work. I wish it was in the high school cirriculum.

    Reply
    • Great observation, treesew! I like “Don’t let yesterday use up today.” It goes with episode 9 on regret.

      Reply
  11. I am sorry for the loss your have experienced, though I am grateful and touched that you were willing to share something so personal to help guide and teach others. You come from a place of such mental clarity, and I hopefully can achieve the stability and spiritual vision you have attained. My thoughts go out to you and your wife.

    Reply
    • Thanks Melissa! Without the encumbrance of egoic influence, you also can jettison embarrassment and the colloquial definition of self consciousness. 😉

      Reply
  12. Hi Sean, I found you by accident while searching on iTunes, then realized through my teachings with Lester Levenson there are no accidents. I have been really enjoying your podcasts. Thank you. We have two beautiful girls, and my wife has had two miscarriages, both boys. Another insight..we are not meant to have boys at this point in our lives, but know when the universe intends it..it will happen. I understand why there were no tears from you and your wife after your miscarriage. I have not yet achieved that level of consciousness and egoic separation. though am working to achieve that level of clarity. Blessings, Ken

    Reply
  13. Thank you for your comments, Ken. After a successful pregnancy, we know that her body knows much more about life than we do, and we trust that if the body decided to end the pregnancy, there was probably a good reason. Compassion and love to you.

    Reply

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